Occupational Hazards
by Elenothar
Summary: Pre CoS: Being Headmaster of Hogwarts isn't easy - especially not if you have a job interview with Gilderoy Lockhart.


Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

Characters: Dumbledore, Lockhart, bit of Minerva

Notes: Dumbledore might be a bit OOC (though I think Lockhart isn't) – well, I wanted to have some fun ;)

As this is my first HP fic ever, be nice and review!

Occupational Hazards

Sigh.

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts – and currently not very happy about that – sank deeper into his plushy chair in the staff room. At least none of the other professors were in so that he could wallow in misery in peace.

"Albus?"

...or not.

Big sigh.

"Yes, Minerva?"

Though he was still studying the ceiling diligently, he was clearly aware of his Deputy's scrutinizing gaze.

"What exactly has you looking like the world is going to end today?"

Bigger sigh.

"I happen to be slightly rattled by the upcoming interview with an applicant for the Defense against the Dark Arts job."

One stern eyebrow journeyed up to a a straight hairline. "So someone finally applied? Who is it?"

Humongous sigh.

"Believe me, Minerva, you do not want to know," Albus replied with feeling.

The other eyebrow joined its partner. "Is that so? As long as it is not the greatest idiot in history or a full blown Death Eater I hardly see how it can get worse."

Deflated sigh.

"You have no idea..."

Sometimes he really hated his job.

* * *

Three hours later Albus sat in his usual place behind his desk in the Headmaster's office, brightly lit by the sun streaming through the windows – which was only one more indication that the office _didn't_ reflect its inhabitants mood like the Great Hall did the weather outside for his was certainly _not_ bright, not to mention the splitting headache he'd started developing after _five_ more inquiries by different members of the staff if he really was alright, and his narrow escape from being sent to the Hospital wing by Pomona.

She'd meant well, of course, but the Hospital wing was the last thing he needed right now. What he needed rather more desperately was to be able to pretend that he just _didn't_ hear the cheerful knock on the door.

Unfortunately that clearly wasn't going to happen.

Plastering a friendly expression and his typical small smile on his face, Albus called, "Come in."

And through the door stepped a man with wavy, impossibly deep blond hair fixed in a rather dreadful permanent waveand an equally impossibly large smile that showed all of his spotlessly white teeth perfectly, wearing bright lilac robes.

"Ah, Albus!" he exclaimed jovially, his teeth flashing, extending a hand. "How good to see you again!"

Standing politely, Albus shook his hand, carefully keeping his incredulity as being addressed by his first name by this idiot off his face.

"You as well, Mr. Lockhart."

"Call me Gilderoy, Albus," Lockhart offered with an irritating air of generosity. "After all we will be colleagues soon!"

Lockhart winked at him and Albus had to fight from gritting his teeth.

"Ah yes, straight to the topic then," he said blandly, regarding Lockhart over the rim of his glasses. "Why do you believe you are qualified for this job?"

"My dear Albus!" Lockhart let out a laugh that sounded as artificial as his haircut looked. "Of _course _I would be perfect for the job, after all I defeated the Wagga Wagga Werewolf and and banned that banshee, not to mention-"

After minutes straight of praising his own deed – Albus would abstain from lemon drops for a year if any of it was actually true – he zoned Lockhart out, thinking longingly of a quiet, Lockhart-free office.

"-so you just can't help hiring me," Lockhart concluded, breaking him out of his daydreams.

Because unfortunately, they were true, though, frankly, not because of any of the reasons Lockhart had given. It was simply sad reality that he was the one _and only _applicant; and he had waited as long as possible until scheduling this interview. Only a week was left until the start of term and they _needed _a DADA professor. Lockhart was still better than no one...

He looked up to see the future professor still grinning brightly at him.

...or not.

Anyway, the Ministry would go bonkers if he hadn't hired a teacher in time for lessons to be taught regularly.

"So which books would the students need to purchase if you get the job?"

Lockhart looked almost surprised at the question. "Why, all of mine, of course. As you must have read them you must be aware that they are perfect course-work material."

Albus raised a silvery eyebrow. "As a matter of fact I have not."

"What? Now really, Dumbledore," Lockhart exclaimed, greatly affronted, his smile dimming for the first time, and Albus noted amusedly the use of his last name again, "I will send you copies immediately!"

For a moment Albus wondered if he should embarrass Lockhart by asking for a demonstration of his skills, but then conceded to logic that his office might not survive that.

"Very well then. I will owl you as soon as I have decided," Albus said firmly, hoping against all hope that Lockhart would take the hint and just _leave_.

Naturally, he didn't. Sometimes he really hated his job, but destroying half his office with a blasting hex probably wouldn't be good for his image as a benign, grandfatherly Headmaster so he desisted.

"What else, _Gilderoy_?" he asked, the stressing of Lockharts name the only indication of his impatience.

"Well, Albus," Lockhart started cheerfull – already Albus knew he wasn't going to like this - "after our last meeting-"

"If this is the part in which you will explain to me why in Merlin's name you tried that," Albus interrupted him, a hint of danger in his voice, "then I am all ears."

Apparently even Lockhart was smart enough to recognize a threat when it glared into his face – though Albus Dumbledore was famously infamous for the twinkle in his eyes, he was also very adept at all possible other expressions, from death glares to piercing stares.

"Er...yes, that was that unpleasant business with the memory charm...?"

To Albus' great satisfaction – not that he showed it – Lockhart sounded actually cowed.

"Yes. I must say you were the first in at least half a century to try and obliviate me."

Lockhart coughed uncomfortably, probably noticing he was skating on thin ice. " A regrettable accident to be sure..."

In an effort to get back to safe waters Lockhart laughed nervously and continued, "Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I, as the unrivaled expert in that area, wish to offer you some career advice. How a man of your caliber got wasted in a _school _I will never understand."

Only with a great effort Albus stopped his chin from hitting the floor. He had not expected _even _Lockhart to be so full of himself to offer him, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, _career advice_. It wasn't as if he hadn't refused the post of Minister of Magic for three times already.

"As a matter of fact I do _not _require your advice, Gilderoy, as I am happy in Hogwarts – and as long as I am on the chocolate frog cards, I do not care about other titles."

Lockhart didn't look convinced, but in a first show of common sense let the topic drop.

"Ohoo, I gather I'll be on a card soon as well," Lockhart boasted, his cheer recovered.

Albus' first thought was 'Not in this millennium!', then he considered the wizarding world and changed it to 'The day that happens I know the wizarding community has finally gone completely off its rocker'.

Five minutes and a lot of subtle cajoling later the door finally closed behind the colorful back of Gilderoy Lockhart with a satisfying _thud_.

Blessed silence.

Albus let his head drop onto his desk. To think that he had no other option but to hire this idiot!

They were doomed.

...and Minerva was going to kill him – if Severus didn't beat her to it.

* * *

That's it. Hope you found it at least a little bit funny *grimaces*


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